Not long after having the vision I was packed and ready to leave my home in Australia for an adventure to the big Island of Hawaii. My plan was to spend three months on the island, exchanging my time working on organic farms for accommodation and meals. It was my desire to learn about organic farming, yet at the same time, my soul knew this was a time of major internal transformation and a time to let go of that which no longer served me and my heart. It was immense and exciting, but I was ready and open to embrace what appeared.
On my first night in Hilo I made two dear friends who I still hold close to my heart. Blake was a practicing yogi and aspiring spiritual aspirant from the U.S who had bountiful knowledge of Indian culture, Hinduism and Ayurveda. Oni was a gorgeous and brave Korean girl, a beautiful musician whom had just arrived from South America after traveling solo for the last 12 months.
The three of us stayed together in a rustic farm attic and for the next three weeks we ate together, worked together, travelled together and grew together. Each day Blake would get us out of bed for early morning Sadana (spiritual practice), which consisted of yoga, kirtan (devotional singing or chanting) and a reading from 'Awaken Children' -a book of teachings by his beloved Guru and spiritual teacher, Amma.
The very first page of Awaken Children that he read aloud to us resonated deeply with me on a multitude of levels, in a similar way to the teachings of Christ and Buddha. When I shared this with Blake he gently replied that Amma was no different to either of those great Masters. Despite my love and respect for Blake, no one at the time could convince me that there was a self-realized Master alive today, living on our planet amongst us. The fact that I had never heard or read anything about Amma before made me question Her importance even further. Upon questioning Blake a little more, he told me that She travelled annually hugging people, many, many people. I didn’t really understand this concept, although I remember thinking at the time, ‘The world could certainly use more of that!’
I believed my spiritual life was exceptional. I practiced yoga and meditation, positive affirmations were essential in my daily life, I ate a wholesome vegetarian diet and read every new age book that I could get my hands on. When it came to the idea of having a Guru, I believed that I was my own Guru! Blake and I had diverse and fascinating conversations around the topic and although I was reaping the benefits of practicing and hearing Blake’s ongoing interpretations of spirituality, I couldn't help but think he was a little delusional. It was the moment he informed us that he had decided to abruptly up and leave the farm to go and see his Guru in California that I convinced myself that he was indeed psychologically unbalanced! To me, his decision to be with his beloved Amma at all costs was too far out of my scope of normality. Nonetheless, I bid him farewell and wished him the best for his journey.
Weeks passed by and in this time Oni and I had been to the most visually stunning places on the Island; volcanoes, black sand beaches, white sand beaches, even green sand beaches! Dozens of dolphins would gather with us at sunset while we bathed in the ocean, washing our hair in fresh avocado and papaya from the farm we were working on. The weather was perfect every day and I was buzzing with the spirit of aloha and the connection I was developing with the beautiful land. I felt that my spirit was indeed being woken, refreshed and cleansed; yet I was still unable to meet the deeper source of nourishing satisfaction that I longed for. I questioned whether it was Blake’s intense spirituality that left me in a lingering discomfort. Seeking answers to questions I had yet put into words, I found myself cancelling the rest of my Hawaiian adventure and booking a flight to California to meet Blake’s beloved Guru Amma.
I did my research on Amma (Amritanandamayi) and sincerely admired her for the hundreds of humanitarian initiatives through her Non Profit organisation called Embracing the World (ETW). I was humbled reading that ETW provided an abundance of food, housing, medical services and education for the poor throughout the world, along with empowering women’s programs and environmental projects. I felt certain that she was an honourable humanitarian indeed.
I reached the ashram and reconnected with Blake who was amazed and thrilled that I had been so touched by the teachings he had shared and his intense passion and devotion for his Guru. I was however a little overwhelmed and nervous, unsure what my role was and how to prepare for my introduction to the woman who was about to appear on stage before me.
"What do I do when I see Her?” I nervously asked Blake.
"Just relax and wait to be given your token, then wait your turn to receive a hug.”
"What! A token?” I replied in sheer amusement. “What do you mean? Why is it so structured and ordered? If She is so enlightened, shouldn't it just flow naturally?"
Various questions and preconceived ideas filtered steadily through my mind for hours as we moved closer in the queue in Her direction. After many hours of waiting, I sat in the aftermath of the much anticipated hug in a mood of confusion and mild disappointment- I was not at all convinced that She was any more special or advanced than any other spiritual teacher I had previously met.
I observed closely as She embraced every person coming to Her as I settled into in my own pool of judgment. I reached the boiling point of my cynical investigation when one of Her senior disciples held a mobile phone to her ear whilst She continued to hug people! Bewildered and overwhelmed by the sight before me my mind went berserk; “Look at Her! She's hugging that person and talking on the phone at the same time! She is NOT the real deal! She is not an enlightened Master! She's not even present with that person!"
In that very moment She quickly looked over at me. Her simple glance penetrated my entire being and delivered a wave of peace into my mind and soul. All I could do was sit still in awe.
I sat quietly, experiencing the stillness in which She had somehow imbedded deep within me. I realised then and there that this calmness was the loveliest and most pure element of my being and any structured ideals, concepts or thoughts I had were being completely shaken and shed. All I believed to be true in that moment became questionable. I knew that Amma had heard my every single thought and She had somehow silenced them all to reveal a truth that I had never imagined could be so accessible within me.
It was the truth of who I really am.
I sat in a state of tranquility as I watched Amma, still confused about what had just transcribed. I sat in hope, desperate to receive another one of those looks that would return me to that state of bliss and peace. I starred with great intent as She continued to hug dozens of people, then suddenly She looked over in my direction and beamed the most radiant smile I have ever witnessed. My body jolted upright with sheer excitement but suddenly I discovered that the smile wasn't directed towards me at all, it was for the young girl sitting to my right who was innocently smiling back at Her.
Disappointment clouded my vision and after a moment of contemplating what had just happened, I felt intense guilt and shame rising from within. I was ashamed of the doubt and pessimism that previously corrupted my mind. I felt more consciously awakened than I ever had before with a new found curiosity; an inner knowing that my world had just changed in a wonderful way. I could sense my soul rising out from a deep sleep and I was overwhelmed with an immense familiarity.
On that day Amma gave me a most precious gift, She gave me the necessary jolt my ego needed for me to experience and recognise the truth which She had awakened inside of me, She revived the deep sleeping devotion from within my heart and enhanced my courage to surrender to it all.
I waited around for days volunteering on the Ashram Orchids and meditating more than ever. My meditations had become deeply satisfying and I was able to differentiate people’s true nature from their personality- it was indeed a profound couple of days. I was determined to meet Amma the following time with an open heart and a quiet mind.
When the time came to approach Her for my second hug, I felt the compassion and divine love pouring forth from Her. This time it was much different and I fell into Her arms in slow motion; it felt like I was falling further and further until I was pulled away from Her by some of Her devotees. She greeted me with such a loving compassionate smile and open eyes of such purity and recognition.
For hours and hours afterwards, tears poured from my eyes non-stop, emotionless tears that felt like years or even lifetime’s worth of suppression. I walked around the hall filled with so much love and awe, tears still pouring out from a place deep within me. I found Blake and gave him some money I was carrying on me, knowing previously he had been struggling financially. I had finally surrendered to my own selflessness and wanted to help him in a way that I could.
Amma had unlocked so much within me that I continued to discover over the course of that day and the weeks and months that followed. I was blessed to keep discovering more and more beauty hidden deep within.
I will never be able to fully comprehend how She did all that She did, yet in all of my contemplation I become more humbled by Amma every single day. I have come to believe that Amma cannot be understood- She can only be experienced.
"When Amma embraces people it is not just physical contact that is taking place, the love Amma feels for all of creation flows towards each person who comes to her, that pure vibration of love purifies people, and this helps them in their inner awakening and spiritual growth. Both Men and Women in today’s world need to awaken to motherly qualities; Amma’s hugs are to help people become aware of this universal need. Love is the only language that every living being can understand. It is universal. Love, peace, meditation and liberation are all universal" ~ Amma